My Journey

Radio Silence

2012-01-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. You are following a blog. However, I am really touchy on the whole waiting and testing part of things. How many times can you get a negative result before it affects you that way?

For my sanity ... I am going "radio silent."

The Transfer

2012-01-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

My appointment was scheduled for 11:00 AM . Great timing in so many ways. No need to get up early, but no stressful waiting either.

Got to the clinic about 10 minutes early. It was nice to just sit and relax. However, there was a family there; husband, wife, daughter and son. The kids were very cute. They were there because the fees had gone up on embryo storage and it was time for them to decide what they were going to do with them. Having gone through this struggle, it took much restraint to not give input when they said they were going to destroy them.

Went into the little room with the warm blankets and the high tech chair / bed with stirrups. It was surreal to be going through this experience with a different physician. She was very sweet, but just not the same. However, when everything was said and done, two embryos transfered beautifully into my uterus. The doctor said it couldn't have been any better. We saw the puff of white on the monitor and them heading towards the thickest part of my lining. Very exciting.

The disheartening part of the story was that they wanted to allow the remaining embryos to grow for another night. Mainly because they were not sure how many would survive. I had 16 prior to the transfer. Now I am hoping for 14 to survive. Although I had been told that at least three would not. So difficult to hear when you are hoping for the best chances and the numbers are starting to dwindle ... FAST!

After my transfer, I got a great surprise. My old RE was walking into the clinic as I was driving away. It was so wonderful to actually be able to see her and say "hi". Then I went to the acupuncturist and got to see the one who is returning from maternity leave. I am hoping this mix of new and old players on Team Special Delivery makes a difference.

On a side note ... I will never know my donor, but I feel very lucky to have an opportunity to use donor eggs. I decided to get her a gift. I found a silver bracelet on Tiffany that I thought was sweet and bought one for each of us. My note said that she will never know how much I appreciate that she was willing to help me realize my dreams.

Now the agonizing wait begins. I know many women have gone through it and survived, but I truly hate this part.

Trigger, Retrieval, and Fertilization

2012-01-19T20:50:00.001-08:00

The donor triggered on Sunday. Very exciting and very scary. When the physician called me on Sunday afternoon he said he said he could count 20 mature follicles on the donor's ovaries, so he estimated retrieving 20 to 25. I have never said out loud how many I had hoped for, but this was definitely in range. Imagine my surprise when on Tuesday they called to inform that 35 eggs were retrieved. Once again the RE cautioned that the fertilization rates drop from 60 to 65% down to about 50% when more than 20 eggs are retrieved. Again, I was pleasantly surprised to have 22 eggs fertilize using ICSI.I have again been cautioned that the survival rate from fertilization to 5 day embryos could once again be 50%. I am hoping to have 12 good quality five day blastocysts by Sunday. Then I will have a choice on how many to transfer and many additional opportunities to have a first and / or second child.

The Protocol

2012-01-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

As is typical, the protocol has evolved as the cycle has progressed. My current cycle protocol is:
Birth Control Pills - from CD3 until December 30
Lupron 10 units subqutaneous - December 27 through January 16 (night before retrieval)
Estrace 2mg three times a day orally - January 4 until told to stop
Estrace 2mg once daily vaginally - January 13 through January 16
Dexamethasone 0.5 mg once daily - January 4 until told to stop
Progesterone in Oil 1cc intramuscular once daily - January 17 until told to stop
Endometrium twice daily - January 17 until told to stop
Doxycycline twice daily - Januray 17 through January 23

In addition I have my vitamins and supplements:
Magnesium Citrate - 200 mg (1 tablet daily)
New Chapter Perfect Prenatal - 3 tablets daily (dose per bottle)
Baby aspirin - 81 mg (1 tablet daily)
Red Raspberry Leaves capsules - 480 mg (2 capsules daily)
Folic Acid - 800 mcg (2 tablets daily) I
ron - 65 mg (2 tablets daily)
Vitamin D3 - 2500 IU (1 soft gel daily)
Calcium Citrate - 250 mg (5 capsules daily)
Nordic Naturals Fish Oil Pharmaceutical Grade - (1 teaspoon daily)
Probiotic Complex with Acidophilus - 200 mg (1 tablet daily)

Interestingly, I was told not to take the prenatal vitamin and the doxycycline within 2 hours of each other.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this is the cycle!

Oh Shit Moment!

2012-01-13T19:00:00.000-08:00

I received my first real update on my egg donor today. My donor is responding well to the stimulation medications, on ganirelix, and will trigger more than likely on Sunday. WHAT?! I had no clue she was that far into the process!? She's ahead of schedule! Now what?! Sad, I pushed for this to be earlier and now that it is, I am freaking out. I guess I was trying to START the process earlier. Once the train is moving I was good, but expected to have everything go as planned!

The nurse on the other end is sweet, but is not my normal nurse. She isn't too willing to step out of the box and therefore is only responding with the scripted responses. I have to come in on Sunday for an ultrasound and blood test? You mean you can't get me an appointment earlier than 7:30 AM? How is this schedule change going to affect how I have things arranged at work? Do I have any other questions? Uh, no! You can't answer any of the questions I asked, so I will wait for my regular nurse to come back from vacation.

As a planner, this news is terrifying. As a person who wants to be pregnant as soon as possible, I am really excited.

Oh shit!

What to ask?

2012-01-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

I think the recurring theme is this process is hard. It makes no difference if you are married or single, this process takes a toll.

I am an inquisitive person. I want to understand what I am doing to my body, why it is necessary and what the results or side effects are. Add the donor into the equation and I want to know EVERYTHING! Having been trying for 3 years now, I don't want to say that things are getting routine, but I see myself trying to not be as over-invested as in the past. I also don't know what is acceptable to ask when I am in a donor situtation. Examples:

Pharmacy calls and asks for payment. Can I ask what I am paying for? Or is that covered under HIPAA?

Doctor calls and says the donor is starting off well. Do I ask about antral follicle count? Does it tell you much other than ovarian reserve? She also mentions the estrogen level is within range. I have never had them monitor the estrogen level. Should I ask more?

I went in for an ultrasound. My lining is borderline too thin. Do I want to control the situation (one of my habits)? I get told that I may need a shot to help boost it. After the nurse reviewed the protocol, she said I was fine. I, of course, asked about the Estrace and taking it vaginally. I was told the doctor would determine that, but at this point I have not been called.

I don't have any more appointments scheduled, so I don't know what to think. Should I be questioning the fact that I have no more linig checks and my lining is borderline? Or should I be confident that before the transfer my lining will perform as it has in the past and it will be between 8 and 10 mm like they want it to be?

Too many questions and no idea what to ask!

Communication ... or lack thereof!

2012-01-10T17:37:00.000-08:00

I am three weeks away from my transfer. That should be really reassuring, but it's not. The main reason is that I don't have the whole picture on where I am in the process.

I got a call from the clinic in December telling me that the pharmacy would be calling for me to pay for the donor's medication. I did not get such a call on Friday when there was another prescription. Probably not a huge issue, but the pharmacy called while I was driving home. I was unable to complete the purchase as I could not read the credit card number and pay attention to the road at the same time. I asked if they could call me back and she said she was off in 15 minutes, but would call back immediately to leave the call back number on my voicemail. Perfect! However, she neglected to communicate that they will be closed until Monday at 8:00 AM. I probably would have made the effort if I had known.

I went in for a blood test yesterday. I was told I would get a call to tell me how to proceed. Did I get a call? Nope! I called today and I am to stay the course. Uh, OK! I guess there is no need to be called, because that is what I did.

Did they receive the sperm? When do I get my donor updates? It's just hard to be in this limbo land. My new mantra ... just chill.

Emotions

2012-01-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

This process appears to revolve around physical, emotional / mental, and financial. Somehow any and all affect your emotional state.

So much is riding on this cycle. This is my best chance to get pregnant. If I don't, what does that mean? Where do I go from here? Also, the number of eggs retrieved and fertilized have an impact on how many more tries I have ... If this cycle doesn't work.

I am a control freak. I shouldn't put this in writing, because I'm sure it will come back at me at some inopportune time. However, my desperate need to know just amplifies the stress level. What dose are they using to stim the donor? When do I start the dexamethasone? What is the donor's antral follicle count? When will my transfer really happen? There are so many more questions swirling through my head.

I think my current challenge is how much do I have to pay tomorrow morning to start the whole donor cycle. It's complicated since the cycle is starting on the first business day of 2012. The clinic has to call the insurance company at 7:00 am to confirm my coverage prior to my 8:00 am appointment.

Once again ... No stress.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T19:09:00.001-08:00

You would think that there would be a time where I would not be thinking about trying to have a child. I don't think it is ever that far out of my consciousness. Every time I see a child I go through so many thoughts ...When I see a cute baby I think "I want one of those."When I see a well behaved child I think "what a wonderful child."When I see an unruly child I think "what am I getting myself into?"I know that I will think and feel these things through out motherhood, but I mostly worry that the child or children I bring into this world are healthy. I have so many friends who are dealing with sweet, loving children who are autistic and their patience is inspiring. I know it's selfish of me, but I would like a child who is 100% healthy in every way possible. I know I can't control the health of my child and I know I will, like my friends, love my child(ren) unconditionally and without reservation. So my Christmas wish for 2011 for myself is to give birth to a happy healthy child in 2012. Here's hoping!Merry Christmas!

Let the Games Begin

2011-12-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I lost it on Monday when I was at the acupuncturist. Then I got news that my parents had to put down a cat on Tuesday. Wednesday started out stressful with a written warning to someone for their performance. All these things are life just happening, but when you are also trying to combat fertility issues, it sometimes takes you over the edge. However, I got the coveted call last night. An early Christmas present if you will. My donor is about to start stimming and I am about to start my donor cycle. Now I am crying for joy!

Instructions ...
Lupron starting on Tuesday. OK ... I think I will be in the same state as my friend who was just on Lupron ... a little manic. Shoot. Is that any different than most days?
BCP ... stop on Dec. 30. That may improve the state of things.
Ultrasound / Blood Test - Jan. 3. That makes me so happy, because then it feels real. However, they need to find someone who knows how to draw blood. I was pricked six times last time for 10 vials.
Transfer ... hopefully the week of January 22.

I am so excited at the prospect. I need to keep a positive attitude, but know there are no guarantees. However, I have a good feeling about this one!

Emotional Release

2011-12-19T22:00:00.001-08:00

This process is so difficult. Every time you think you are moving in the right direction, surprise! There are more roadblocks. OK, technically they aren't roadblocks, but there is always one more thing you are unaware of that needs to be done.

My donor went in to the clinic on Dec. 13. She had to take a genetic screening test. Say what?! Why? I guess I just don't understand why she would need to repeat something she did 8 months ago. What can change in that time on a genetic screening? I suppose I should just ask the clinic, but I am trying to not be "that" patient. However, every step changes the timeline and potential transfer date.

As if you can't tell, I am a little anal and somewhat controlling. I have a window of opportunity and I just don't know with all the delays that I am going to be able to advantage of my less stressful time. As I was told today, I should just let it go, because trying to control it isn't working for me. I had one of my infrequent breakdowns during this process tonight. I am back on BCPs and for some reason I just can't control my emotions when on them. In addition, I seem a little more impatient. I didn't expect that I would have this release, however my acupuncturist must have asked the right question to trigger it. As she said, I was in a safe environment and could let my guard down. Sad to say the question was "how are you?". I just melted into the struggles of trying to understand the process and my biggest concern that the transfer occur by the end of February. At this point, I am looking at the third week of January, but who knows what else needs to be done. I won't be certain until I get called to pay for the services for my donor and I get the calendar with the actual dates. I guess I need to learn how to go with the flow and not continue to swim upstream. Just let it all go. Easier said than done!

Relief

2011-12-13T20:47:00.001-08:00

It's been a long wait. It got a lot longer when the donor didn't immediately get back to the clinic when she returned from her honeymoon. I guess my expectations were a little overzealous. However, he wasn't that slow. A few days after my hoped contact date, she got in touch with the clinic.Saturday, I received the cautiously good news that she has an appointment this week and that her cycle is about to start. The only issue is that she has a couple tests she has to take to be cleared for the donor cycle. She needs to take tests for STDs and a pregnancy test. A little daunting for me.Today I got the call that she had requested the birth control pills to sync up our cycles. I had to laugh that I finally started to understand a part of this process. The nurse called me and said that Walgreens would be calling me. I asked "for what!?". She said it was for the bcp. Finally clarity. Every time I asked about the cost of the meds, they always gave me an estimate. Now I understand that I don't pay the clinic for the meds; I pay directly to the pharmacy. So far I am in for $ 35 (tee hee).If everything goes as expected, my transfer will occur in 5 to 6 weeks.

BCP

2011-11-27T22:18:00.001-08:00

Well, it's official. My donor cycle has started. At least my part has. I have been on birth control pills for 8 days now. Having been on vacation and being eaten alive by mosquitos, I don't know if the rash I have is truly a rash or bug bites. I figured I will wait for a few more days and see if it subsides at the same pace as the bites.

My donor was married on the same day I started the BCP. I will find out later this week when she started BCP and when she will start stimming. I expect sooner than later I will be told, since I have to pay for everything prior to her starting that. Getting both nervous and excited.

Random Thoughts

2011-10-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

I will be going to the hypnotherapist for the first time this week. It sounds like the first meeting is more like a psychotherapy session. I think I've delved deep into my psyche already. Do I really want to do this? This was not any one's recommendation. It was my idea. I feel a little resistant to my new RE and clinic. I think it's mainly a lack of familiarity, however it is causing stress and frustration. I am trying to hypnotherapy to allow me to be open to the change and not challenge.

I am reading the book "Is your body baby friendly?" by Dr. Alan E Beer. I'm not sure whether this book is going to be helpful or not. Maybe I am a skeptic (see previous paragraph about not being open). As I dig deeper to be educated about the owner's manual of my body, I decided to read about reproductive immunology. It is pertinent since I have rheumatoid arthritis and autoimmune progesterone eczema.

My biggest concern is whether it is responsible to release a book such as the one I am reading. It not only is way beyond "easy reading", but it is instilling fear that I and others are not doing everything required to get pregnant. I know that's not true, but do I subject myself to needless, EXPENSIVE treatments to succeed? Do I potentially NEED the treatments? Or have we already removed all the variables that are preventing success?

I'm sure this topic will come up again as I move further into the book. I am currently at the point in the book where I am told my body will build up more and more antibodies / natural killer cells towards embryos. Definitely a good thing to read right before bed. I have decided to ask my clinic nurse about the doctor's thoughts on reproductive immunology. I guess that once again takes me back to my need for hypnotherapy.

Team Special Delivery

2011-10-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple years I have used the code name "Special Delivery" for this project. It's not too covert, but it allows a little secrecy.

As this process has evolved, so has my Team Special Delivery. My time started out with just my doctor, the cryobank and me. Now if you look at the list of people and services, it's huge. Some people may not find this necessary, but here is a list of team members ...
Clinic - RE, Nurse, Donor Coordinator
Egg Donor
Cryobank / Sperm Donor
Acupuncturist / Nutritionist
Personal Trainer
Massage Therapist
Hypnotherapist - added this cycle. I feel I need help keeping a positive attitude for this next cycle. I have been strong for so long, but my team has changed so much since Day 1, I need additional support.
All my friends who don't realize they are keeping me sane during the long waits for test results

My team keeps me focused when necessary and distracted when needed. I have been off cycle since August and it is refreshing to not know exactly what day I am in my cycle. That will come soon enough. I should be starting birth control pills in about 5 weeks.

TTC Friends and Their Paths

2011-10-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have made a few friends during this journey who are also trying to become a mom. Each are from different walks of life and different situtations.

One friend was a single mother who remarried. She and her husband decided they wanted to have a child together. After a couple years and a couple doctors, they successfully had a son. She would like another child with her husband, but the process took it's toll on him. He doesn't want to try again, so the decision is made. TTC is not an option.

Another has been on the world's longest roller coaster. After many positive pregnancies ending in miscarriage, she moved on to hiring a surrogate. After months of trying, the surrogate got pregnant and then seven months into the pregnancy decides to keep the baby. Major set back! She is a very strong and persistent person, but her journey has not gotten any easier. After a hysterectomy, she still went through an egg retrieval to possibly have a surrogate carry her biological child. She successfully hired a new surrogate who has now tried two FETs; one resulting in a miscarriage and the other not successful. Now she is at a crossroads. Does she do another retrieval that her doctor says should be successful? Does she ask the surrogate be a traditional surrogate and use her eggs? Does she take her family member's offer to donate her eggs? Does she switch clinics? Does she get an anonymous donor? Or does she do a combination of a number of these things?

The last, has been TTC for over five years. She just loves children and animals and works with both. She and her husband don't make a lot of money, but have a lot of love to give. After trying IVF and IUI with donor sperm, they decided to investigate donor embryos. She had her consult with a new clinic this week. Shockingly, the clinic said due to fibroids, they will not consider her for donor embryos. They don't think she can sustain a pregnancy. Now she is faced with the decision of ending this quest being made for her.

Each of us have decisions to make as we go on this journey. Some are much more drastic than others. I always am questioning if I am choosing the right path. Do I keep trying? Do I switch to a surrogate to have a child for me? How old is too old? These questions are always in the back of my mind. I'm sure at some point they may come to the forefront. Hopefully I'll never have to answer some of them.

Perimenopause

2011-10-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

I got together with four friends from high school this weekend. It was interesting to hear the conversations we had as we have become 40 somethings.

I have spent the last two and a half years tracking my cycle. It's been the first question my doctor, acupuncturist, and personal trainer have asked me each time they see me. It's pretty nice to be off cycle and not have to know what day I am on!

My cycle has been pretty consistent although the number of days bleeding has slightly changed, as well as the intensity. Hearing my girlfriends comment how their cycles have shortened and changed, once again makes me ponder my journey to have a child.

At a point that women traditionally are seeing life changes and the slow process into menopause, I am still trying to start a family. Our body tells us that it is time to move on to the next phase of your life. And I am still grasping onto the previous phase. I am still focused and have been told that I am still a good candidate to be successful.

Now that I am using donor eggs, I am just an incubator and technically you could do that until you no longer have a uterus. However, where is the ethical line for a child to be brought into this world by a parent? I don't feel I am crossing it ... yet. My new clinic will do transfers until your 52nd birthday. I don't think I am comfortable with that age limit, because it seems so old to be having a baby. But who am I to judge. I am sure many people feel I am already too old to have a baby. I hope the next attempt works and I don't have to wrestle with the dilemma that is fast approaching.

Blood Test Results

2011-09-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

No ... not pregnancy. I have received all my test results and they are extremely good. Some notable results:

Glucose (range 65 - 99) - 84 mg/dl
Total Cholesterol (range 100 -199) - 161 mg/dl
Triglycerides (range 0 - 149) - 35 mg/dl
HDL (range >39) - 66 mg/dl
LDL (range 0 - 99) - 88 mg/dl
TSH (range 0.45 - 4.50) - 2.36 uIU/dl
VitD,25-Hydroxy (range 30 -100) 41 ng/mL

These results help me check off a few more things that I don't need to worry about. The more things that get checked off the list, the closer to determining what is preventing me from being successful. I know that my age is not helpful, but now that I am using donor eggs, it should be easier to get pregnant.

Rant and Raves

2011-09-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

I know I have mentioned the forum at least once before. On Mondays we update our current cycle status. On Thursdays, we typically update our rants and raves. I can't wait until Thursday!

Rant:
The clinic has a bad policy for keeping in touch with donors. They contact them after their donor cycle and then once they match with a new recipient. When the clinic reached out to my donor, they got no response. It took 10 days to find out she was still interested, but due to her upcoming wedding, she won't be available until December! Uh ... I might have wanted to taken that into account when I was making my decision! That threw me into a tailspin of emotions ... do I keep her? Do I trust that she will be still willing when she returns? Will her husband persuade her not to do it? Will they try to get pregnant during the Honeymoon?

After discussing the situation with the coordinator, I had some answers and more questions and concerns. The transfer may be as late as February?! That is in the heart of gymnastics season. This is a priority, but that sort of knocks me out until the following season. It also is now two additional months on top of the three I'm waiting. Five months! That's a LONG time!

Rave:
I have three months to get my body in better shape. My lipid panel came back almost unbelievable, but I have gained weight due to laziness and being on steroids for almost three months. Now I have time to prepare myself mentally and physically to be pregnant. Keeping positive thoughts!

Well, those are a portion of my Rants and Raves this week. Everything else is manageable. Fingers crossed I get a reasonable response from the clinic and hear that the transfer can occur in December if both the donor and I go on birth control pills in November or perhaps October for me. The coordinator thought the donor might be willing.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to be so concerned about someone else's cycle and sex life. Guessing that should be categorized under random!

Frustration

2011-09-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

This process has a lot of hurry up and wait. Here's an example. I had approximately twenty items to get done before I would be able to start the cycle. Essentially the agreement is that once I match with a donor, I have 6 weeks to complete everything required. Some of the items were already completed, but the list I still needed to complete was:

Blood tests (most of the twenty items!) - CBC, HIV, CMV, Hep C, PRL, RPR, Lipid, TSH, Chem Panel 14, and Toxoplasmosis
Mid-cycle lining check - the new RE wanted to see what my lining thickness was when I was on an unmedicated cycle. I had always been curious as well, so I had no issue with this.
Mock transfer - I was a little upset by this one. Especially since I have already had three FET. We know it's possible to do the transfer. On top of that the new RE said she MUST do it and then I was told at my mid-cycle lining check that anyone of the three RE's who may do the transfer could do it. What a bunch of hooey!
Pap smear
HPV culture
Selecting an egg donor
Selecting a sperm donor - Don't get me started with this one! I have used more sperm donors than I can count from my selected sperm bank. One retired, one had low motility rate (under the guaranteed amount) when thawed. Another was CMV positive and I've been told that now I have tested negative I should now select CMV negative donors.
Psychological Consult - I already did this with the embryo donation and have been told the conversations differ by the psychologist. I don't really believe I need this. I have been going through the process for a very long time and understand the ramifications of my decisions.
Genetic Consult - The RE said I didn't need this, but based on my donor selection and the autoimmune issue in the donor's family medical history, I may still need to do this.
Getting the money together for this process - amazingly the easiest of all the steps

I realize I am an overachiever in this process, but I have completed all but two of these items in 10 days. I am still waiting for the nurse to get back to me about whether I need to do the final two.

I am also waiting to find out when the donor will be available. I put a chunk of money down as a deposit and I still haven't heard a week later. That is truly frustrating.

I think my last frustration is feeling like I am not allowed to have a say in the process. It's strange ... my last RE allowed me to question and have a say with what is going on with my body. This is not critical care ... this is voluntary treatment. I don't know what works best for different situations, but I have helped write the owner's manual for my body. I know what I have allergies to and how I handle certain things. I think I need to be informed.

An example is how they will fertilize the egg. There are two ways and I have already agreed to the more advanced process called ICSI (essentially injecting a single sperm into an egg). I was asking about the fertilization rates for the two methods. When I was comparing egg donors I wanted to know what method was used, so I had a little more of an idea of egg quality. I couldn't ask about the sperm ... that would be giving a third party's medical information which is not allowed. The doctor totally misunderstood why I was asking and told the nurse to tell me I could have them fertilized any way I wanted to, but ICSI was recommended. I had told the nurse the purpose of my inquiry when I asked .. communication is not the best!

Maybe this vent will help with my frustration. I will try to ease my frustration by getting an update as well. I have many things to plan / planned and I need to make sure that this remains my priority. I just need to know!

Donors

2011-09-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's strange to think what science has allowed us to attempt/achieve. I mean a woman in her 40's and beyond can still hope to get pregnant and give birth. It may not be with all the "original" components of a normal conception, but it is still the miracle of life that others get to experience.

I finalized my selection of my egg donor today. She was my first choice of two when I had gone through the list of donors originally. When I took a second scrub of the list I added two more donor options. After getting the statistics from the clinic on fertilization rates, pregnancy rates, family medical history, and availability, I spoke with a few people about my options.

My friend, who is also a doctor, had this donor as his second choice due to an autoimmune issue in the medical history - his first choice was a woman who personality-wise was similar to me and had her PhD.
My acupuncturist had the same rank order, as did another friend who has been down this long path of infertility. With those three recommendations, I think I was influenced to have the same ranking.

When I met with my RE, she made me re-think my whole selection. The PhD donor was quickly removed from the list due to her family medical history ... diabetes, stroke, hypertension, hypothyroidism, heart attack. I saw it, but I suppose I was willingly being guided by others.

My RE told me she liked one of the donors based on her medical history and psychological profile. That donor had been marked as a shared donor and I was not as excited about her due to her pregnancy success rate. Her fertilization rates were exceptional though! Her second choice was the same as the rest ... my original first choice.

I think that when it came down to it, I already knew which one I wanted, but I needed validation to know she wasn't the worst of my best. She is of Eastern European decent and I see a physical resemblance. Her medical history is fairly unblemished with the exception that her mother has Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). When I questioned my RE about that, her comment was "you know what it's like ... do you think it's an issue?" She has had good stimming results and an above average fertilization report. She has been a donor just once before (they are allowed to donate up to eight times) and had a successful pregnancy as a result.

As the psychologist said, you don't necessarily want to get into the difficult details with a child about where they come from until they are fully ready. It takes three things to make a baby ... sperm, an egg, and a womb. Mommy needed help with two of the three and you are that much more special and loved because of that help. I am hoping that I will have this conversation in the future.

I am thankful that science has evolved to the point it has. I never would have been able to go down this path and think there was even a chance of success. My journey would have ended last month and I am just not ready for that.

The Financial Aspect

2011-08-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone says having children is expensive. Too bad everyone doesn't know the expense of trying to have a child.

Just a few fees:
Ultrasound - $ 400 ( 2 to 5 per cycle)
Donor compensation - $ 6,500 to 8,000
Donor Sperm - $ 500 to 800 per vial (1 to 4 vials needed depending upon process)
Clinic Fees - $ 7,000
ICSI - $ 1,800
Transfer Procedure Fees - $ 2,850

I realize the fees above are random. When all is said and done for using donor eggs and donor sperm, you could pay as much as $ 35,000 for the process and you still don't have a positive pregnancy test. That doesn't mean you won't, although it is enough to make you have morning sickness whether or not you are pregnant!

No ...

2011-08-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

The answer is "no". No, you are not pregnant. No, we can't help you any more at this clinic. No, I can't have my beloved RE participate in my next step of this journey. This is a whole lot of information to process. All I can say is that I don't know when the tears will end.

Nothing in this process is easy ...

2011-08-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

I had an IUI 10 days ago. I waffle between "Am I pregnant?" and "I'm NOT pregnant." However, that has nothing to do with the process not being easy.

I have had three IUI's this year. Every single IUI I have purchased donor sperm from California Cryobank. Every single vial has been less than the guaranteed level. CCB has been great to credit, but I don't know if it is CCB or my clinic's lab that has the issue. In addition, I have spent SO MUCH MONEY, because I did have the credit for the sperm.

During this 2 week wait, I have gotten a consultation at another clinic that my RE referred me to. I have now surpassed the capabilities of the clinic and will need to move to donor eggs. I am just sick at the cost of this, but know I won't be satisfied that I have tried everything possible to experience pregnancy and giving birth to my child. I am sad to move on from my RE as well, but I am doing it with her blessing. I think that if I have to consider "next steps" after the fresh cycle transfer, I will bring her back into the equation.

Let's hope the steps moving forward are less difficult. I suppose since the decisions are made, it's just the execution.

Purging

2011-07-24T16:03:00.001-07:00

I did get a reasonable night's sleep last night. I am still tired, but I feel like I may have turned the corner. OK, so I haven't gotten dressed or showered today, but I have made lunch, taken care of the cats, and went through an avalanche of paperwork. I have also updated my gymnastics web-site and am now updating my blog. Yes, a little anti-social, but not clinically depressed (I smiled as I typed this!). I just have had a lot piling up and this was my way to deal with it.

As I prepare for an IUI in the next 3 to 8 days, I think I am going to accept the renewing interpretation of the dream. I feel like every time I have a major life change, I purge. Not food, but things. Break up with boyfriends ... purge. Change jobs ... purge. Miscarriage ... purge.

I started with my paperwork. Not that I follow Suze Orman, but one piece of advice from her is to not keep paid bills, but to shred them. I have modified this to keep things for a year. Once taxes are filed, then I get rid of all unnecessary bills. Today was shredding day!

I also have been wanting to update the NCGJA web-site. I don't bring out the laptop as often as I used to now that I have an iPad, but it was time. I needed to send out a message about the upcoming course, Judges Cup, and other events, so I updated the site before sending out the message.

This week will be a cleaning and purging week. I will more than likely clean the garage, go through my clothes, clean out the bathroom cabinets, and "de-fur" my furniture. This is normal "spring" cleaning ... that just happens at random times throughout the year. Last cycle started in a similar way and it was "successful." I am not trying to mimic the last cycle, but somehow I seem to be mentally in the same place about the need to clean. I am hoping that this pattern does not become ritualistic, but at this point, my house is cleaner than it has been for a while.

I find out tomorrow if I will be proceeding with this cycle. I am hoping that at least one more of my follicles on the left side decided to respond to the stims. I currently have three follicles (2 on the right and 1 on the left) that are trying to grow and mature. None had hit the 10mm threshold on Friday. Fingers crossed.

Going to finish watching "The Social Network" and then I will shower and take a walk. Maybe I am not completely anti-social today.

Let It All Out

2011-07-23T21:34:00.001-07:00

It has been a morose day. There are so many reasons why I could be feeling this way.

I had a bad dream last night. It was really disconcerting, but I dreamt that I was going to die. I knew the date and the time. Ironically, I was given a ticket that was good until the end of the month and I complained that I finally was given something that I wouldn't be around to use. I researched what dreaming about death meant and it said that it was showing the end of something. It could mean I am mourning something or I am ready to move onto something new. I truly believe I am ready to move onto motherhood. I don't think I knew how much this meant to me until I had the miscarriage.

Amy Winehouse died today. I know that shouldn't hold much bearing on my life, but she was a talented and tormented artist. I was rooting for her and was saddened that she couldn't tame her demons. I don't know why this struck me as it has, but it may just be one more domino.

My old boss is making comments of leaving the company. I know it is inevitable, but it will be the end of an era. I really like him ... he is a challenge.

I am also pumped full of medication right now. I took Lupron for three days and am now taking Follistim, Menopur, and Dexamethasone. On Monday, I start Ganirelix, Omnitrope, and potentially Estrace. That just means my emotions may be affected by the medication or by the sheer fact that I am forced to move on from "what could gave been." I have cried it out more than I ever thought I would. I don't know if I really understood the impact of what I have gone through. I try to take everything in stride in this process, which means I seldom get emotional. However, this time things are different and I don't know when I will move past it.

I really hope that a good night's sleep will help improve my mood and mindset.

The New Rollercoaster

2011-07-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a year since I last updated this blog. I have continued to pursue my hopes and dreams to become a mother. There have been many bumps in the road, except the bump I have longed for.

I am now in uncharted territory. I am dealing with the fact that this time the FET resulted in a pregnancy ... a chemical pregnancy. I essentially got a positive pregnancy test, but the numbers were low and instead of going up, they went down. I was thrilled to get my VERY FIRST positive. I was warned that it may not be a viable pregnancy, so mentally I was prepared to handle whatever the outcome was. When my RE called to say the numbers dropped, I was sad, but still exhilarated about getting a positive. She asked what do I want to do next? Duh! Most fertile cycle is the one after a miscarriage and we think we finally found the right cocktail, I mean protocol. Let's go for an IUI while I go through the process for donor eggs. We both agreed. We had a short window of opportunity, so she prescribed the medication and I ordered it.

WHOA! Overwhelmed! I mean, I am excited that we finally proved that I CAN get pregnant. I am sad that it ended with low HCG numbers. I am welted from an allergy to progesterone, my breasts are sore and I am waiting for my period to start to end this cycle ... this positive cycle. I received the medication, a whole pharmacy's worth, and had my baseline ultrasound. I have not confirmed that my HCG level has dropped below the threshold, but we are already moving on. I really thought I was mentally ready. Apparently my anxiety tells me I'm not totally.

It's funny ... most women who are trying to get pregnant have their husband, boyfriend, partner, family, someone to lean on. I know I have friends and they are wonderful. My biggest issue is that as supportive as they are, I still have to go home by myself at night. They may understand the pain of trying to get pregnant or losing a pregnancy, but their experiences are different than mine. Some have been way harder and some have been way easier. They mean well, but sometimes I feel like I have to be strong for them, because they are more emotional than I am. Sometimes it just doesn't feel fair.

As I sit here, I know I've made the right choice. I need to keep trying. I want to keep trying. I need to sort through my feelings and move on. I know I can do it. I just needed a "public" place that's private to proclaim "I'm pregnant" at least for the moment and an outlet for neurosis. This may not be the last time that I get anxious or overwhelmed, but honestly, I do feel better.

Shipment Delayed

2010-07-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

I can't catch a break. However this is not a huge set back. I had hoped that the embryos would ship this week. Unfortunately the lab my clinic uses is getting re-certified this week. They have requested that the embryos not arrive until next week. Regardless, I will be starting the cycle once AF appears. Two more days of birth control pills and then I should expect a period in 2 to 5 days.

Have lost 20 pounds! Can't believe how the weight has sort of fallen off. I guess I really was eating pretty poorly. I still want my frozen yogurt.

Finally!

2010-07-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Finally all the forms are in! I can't believe how much work it was for my clinic and me to get the documents. Now it comes down to shipping. The donor's clinic will call my clinic tomorrow and arrange the shipment. They have their cryo tank, so I'm hoping they will ship this week!

I finally got the go ahead to stop the birth control pills on Friday. Now I am waiting for two things; bleeding and the embryos shipping. That will put me in cycle for the FET (frozen embryo transfer). So excited that I can FINALLY move on.

Can You Believe It?

2010-07-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

I am down to 1 form! The thing that is most difficult to believe is that it is the form that I have been asking for since Day 1. The gosh, darn Eligiblity Form! I am so ready for this part of the process to be over!

I was excited to tell the clinic that all I need is ONE MORE FORM and that they need to call my clinic to move the embryos to California. This is such a huge milestone. This means I can use them. SOON! Hopefully everyone agrees and I can stop the birth control pills.

Tick ... tick ... tick.

Hold the Phone

2010-06-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

The donor's clinic got back to me today, so I have called off my doctor. I am not going to have her calling if I can get it done myself. I just don't want to incovenience her ... the practice is growing and she needs to see patients, not make calls for me.

Starting to think this will finally get done. OK, so I guess I am still optomistic.

Down to Three!

2010-06-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

Got the word from my clinic that we are now down to three documents. I am definitely frustrated. I have asked for them repeated times, so I think it's time for my doctor to call the clinic and discuss the requirements with the third party director there. I think that might move things along. At least I can hope!

What I need:
Corrected Eligibility Form
Letter stating clinic acknowledges the contract between me and the donor
Risk Factor form (once again a correction ... needed on the donor clinic's form)

Really, I don't think any of these things are that difficult. The hard ones are done. HELP!

On a side note ... people are starting to notice I am losing weight. About 15 pounds so far. The easiest no fun diet I have ever been on. I am not craving anything, but I do feel like I am deprieved. I guess the difference is my body wanting something or my mind wanting something. I think I want a child more than I want a cupcake!

Eligible versus Ineligible

2010-06-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

My Clinical Coordinator finally got back to me on the documents that the donor clinic sent. All!? Not so much. They only sent a couple of the necessary items and one was not completed properly. Honestly, I am getting to the point to think I need to fly to Delaware just to get these forms.

The Eligibility form was not filled out correctly. The form needs to be completed by the embryologist and needs to state whether the embryos are eligible or ineligible based on the FDA Guidelines. The donor clinic's form includes one more option: Not Applicable. Well, that's the box they checked. My clinic won't accept them. Regardless of whether they are marked eligible or ineligible, I can still use them. The categorization only really means whether the testing was completed within 30 days of egg retrieval. I expect an updated form to show ineligible. That will be the only option my clinic will accept for these embryos.

Guess BCP will continue. I can't believe how long this is taking! Am I just being unreasonable or impatient? Or should I expect that their files should be organizaed and have all of the required information? 12 weeks in!

SIS and the Forms

2010-06-16T22:38:00.000-07:00

I had my Salune infused Sonohysterogram (SIS) today. Results were good, but the procedure really made me think about giving birth.

The procedure entails putting a balloon catheter in the cervix, expanding the balloon to block the cervix and injecting saline in the uterus. Images via ultrasound are taken of the uterus wall to determine if there are any polyps or uterine issues. As I said before, my results were good. My RE said the uterus walls were very smooth and no polyps. In addition, she did a mock transfer. She said that went smoothly too. Very good!

The issue was that I was cramping pretty bad when she inserted the balloon catheter. To the point that she to deflate it completely. If I can't handle a small balloon, how am I going to handle a whole baby. I'm already re-thinking the natural birth and I'm not even pregnant.

Got a note from the donor's clinic saying that they have faxed over all the forms I requested. Very cool! Maybe I can get off the BCP and start the cycle. Hopefully I'll know if my clinic accepts the paperwork soon!

How Long?!

2010-06-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

So it's been almost two weeks (12 days to be exact) since I asked for the donor's clinic to send the Donor Eligibility form to me. How hard is it to pull the donor's file, write in the information and have a doctor sign it? Obviously not as easy as I thought. On top of this, now I need SO many pieces of documentation. How long will it take to get multiple from the clinic?! What I need in addition to the eligibility form:

Embryology Report
Thaw Protocol
Letter from clinic acknowledging the transfer of ownership
Risk Factor Questionnaire

This is getting seriously frustrating! Everything is in the donor's file. This should be a snap. Over 11 weeks now!

Whole Foods

2010-06-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

The "no fun" diet is killing me. OK, so maybe that is a little over dramatic. It's definitely not easy. I have done everything asked, except my little negotiated "cheats". I had to decide what was important and what was not. I know I can do anything for a finite amount of time. If having a child is that important to me, I should utilize the expertise of my "team". My "team" has told me to lose weight and exercise. That's exactly what I am going to do.

I have averaged exercising 5 days a week so far. Pretty impressive for someone who was only walking once a week. I am learning how to use my time a little better and not vegging in front of the television as much.

I have also started shopping at Whole Foods. I am supposed to be eating wild salmon, organic and free range meat and poultry, cage free eggs, organic fruits, vegetables and grains. I normally shop at Trader Joes. That shopping has been curtailed. TJs has some items, but not all. My normal TJs bill was $ 60 and the food would last for three weeks. Whole Foods is a completely different story. My bill can be anything from $ 60 to $ 100 a week! Granted, I am also no longer going out for meals. I now truly believe the nickname ... Whole Paycheck.

Bye Bye Agency Support

2010-06-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

First, the bills are paid. Now I feel like I can move the embryos to California. After all, they are officially mine. At least that's what I thought. I haven't heard anything from my doctor's office nor the donor's clinic. Oh, and by the way, I need a few more pieces of documentation. Even if I wanted to move the embryos, my clinic would not accept them. How frustrating!

Sent an e-mail to my clnical coordinator, the donor's clinic and the "adoption" agency. Got a message back from the agency saying "thanks for keeping me in the loop." My clinical coordinator asked what that meant. Guess it means that it's up to me to be my own advocate. Been there, done that.

The journey continues ... almost 10 weeks since matching.

One Last Thing

2010-06-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

So the clinic has finally found the last bill. Yea! Good thing I insisted on getting it ... the payee is completely different than what I was expecting.

I've just asked for the last piece of paperwork that I've heard we need. I need the Donor Eligibility form for my clinic. This form essentially says that the donor has taken the required tests and has had a physical. Since she has done everything necessary this should be an easy form to get. The clinic just has to complete the form and have a physician sign it.

I bet they can get this done quickly and I will be able to start the cycle in June. Still very cautious, but getting excited.

Birth Control Pills

2010-06-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

I've never been on BCPs for their real purpose. I mean, I have never tried using them to prevent pregnancy. I have taken them for the hormones to shrink a cyst or two, but nothing else.

I am now at a crossroads. I am expecting to get the go ahead to do an FET (frozen embryo transfer) this cycle, but I have to have a Saline infused Sonohysterogram (SIS). That will delay everything by a cycle, because it will occur between CD 10 and 14, similar timing to the FET. To not lose too much time, I can go onto BCP. As soon as the embryos are in California, I can stop the BCP, have a period and start the meds for the cycle.

I guess I'll be jumping in with both feet. BCPs here I come.

Where's the bill?

2010-05-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

Unbelievably, I am going into this holiday weekend knowing that the lab results and psych eval letter for the donor are now in. However, I can't move the embryos until every bill is paid. At least that's how I feel.

The lab bill - $ 927. The psych eval bill - $ 250. That's great! There goes another $ 1150+. Yes, I am responsible for these bills. The testing would not have been necessary if my clinic didn't require it.

Here's the problem ... no one has the bills. They have the amounts, but no one can tell me where to send the payments. What is most incredible is that the even the therapist is directing me to the agency director because she has her invoice. Duh! If I could get it from her, I would have already sent the payment.

I am hoping once all this paperwork is in and the bills are paid ,we are on our way. 8 1/2 weeks since matching.

Pin Cushion and the No Fun Diet

2010-05-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

I met with the acupuncturist today. She is nice, but I really felt judged.

What do you eat during the day? Oatmeal from Starbucks (small grimace), I do take out or drive thru for lunch (huge grimace), and microwave something for dinner (SCARY grimace).

What do you do for exercise? I walk once a week with a friend.

Well ... the judgement! I don't eat well and I need to exercise more. She had all these wonderful suggestions and I was thinking they weren't wonderful. She told me point blank I had to change my attitude.

When we finally started the acupuncture I was really re-thinking go to someone new. Then she came and checked on me twice and did moxabustion (heating the needles) and I knew I made the right choice.

The assignment:
No microwave
No gluten
No dairy
Steel cut oatmeal every morning
Exercise 5 days a week

This week my goal is the exercise and up my vegetable intake (remember no microwave). Since everything is "no", I have labeled this the "No Fun" Diet.

Results?!

2010-05-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since the donor has gone in to the clinic for the necessary tests and pysch eval. My psychologist has already submitted the letter, so what's going on with the donor's? Also, the lab results don't take that long, do they? I mean, when I do lab tests I get my results 24 hours later. I know the lab is remote, but shouldn't it take less than a week?

I contacted the agency director. I could feel her "I can't believe how naive you are" attitude. I expected the information fairly quickly. She said it would take a minimum of two weeks and I probably won't see the results before June.

This process is taking FOREVER! 7 weeks in.

Back to the RE

2010-05-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

After I spoke to the therapist, I needed to follow up with my RE. My contract has a few stipulations built into it that I agreed to.

1) All embryos that are thawed need to be implanted.
2) I don't believe in selective reduction

I sent my RE a message and gave her a heads up about both of these. She said I should come in for a consultation. I selected my birthday to see her.

We discussed the process and agreed that two embryos was the right number to implant. She asked if I was working out. I honestly said I walk once a week. She told me to start walking and lose weight. Really a little disheartening to hear on my birthday. I really expected things to go better.

She also said she wanted to do a cavity scan. It has to be done between CD 10 and CD 15. Jeez ... I have been sitting on the sidelines for three months now. Couldn't we have done some of this before?

I asked about anything else and she asked about acupuncture. I had stopped in February. I just had so little time. So I asked for a recommendation. I'm seeing Megan on May 27th. Nothing like jumping right in!

The Donor

2010-05-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

The donor I selected is pretty great. I mean in some ways she's like a little sister. In other ways, I could be her mom! She is really responsive when she knows what is being asked of her. However, I don't understand how these appointments for the labs and psych eval got moved from the last week of April to May 13th. Regardless, they have been completed ... today! I will follow up next week to see if the results are in.

I know I have mentioned bits and pieces about the donor. Here is what I know:

She was 24 when she tried IVF. She had already had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage when she moved to something so drastic for her age. Unfortunately, she lost another pregnancy. She had been told before the IVF cycle that she got one opportunity to have a successful pregnancy. I understand her desperation and her desire to be a mom. It can be all-consuming. She must have stimmed fairly well to have five 5-day embryos left after the cycle, That typically means she started with 12 to 14 eggs.

Her husband also had fertility issues. That prompted them to use a sperm donor. It's funny, but when I saw the sperm donor's information, I probably would have selected him from the available donors at their cryobank.

She and her husband live on the East coast. I'm not sure if we will ever meet in person. Our agreement is that I will notify them every step of the way and let them know if I am successful. If I am, I will be forever in their debt. I will also update them every 3 to 6 months. I will send pictures and probably give them an update at Christmas.

They have decided to start the adoption process. Hopefully both they and I will know the joys of being a parent real soon!

The Eval

2010-05-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

I got off work early today to go up to Berkeley to meet with the psychologist. I've spoken to her twice on the phone and she has the typical psychologist demeanor.

The appointment went pretty well. We started discussing what I had done so far in my journey and then went to "what if I don't succeed". I don't think I ever allow myself to think I will succeed nor fail, so I cocoon myself to not feel the pain. She told me I had to feel the emotions and not put up the wall.

We then discussed how I felt about telling people about the origins of the child. Since I have been open with friends, I will not keep it a secret. Children sense when adults are keeping something from them. I don't want my child(ren) to feel any different than any other child. They will be loved and know that they came from love.

Next was the discussion about how I am going to tell the child. She said I can start when I am pregnant and practice it so it is natural. Maybe a good idea. I don't know if I want to continually talk about it. However, she said I should tell the child by the age of three. The story is that everyone is made with an egg, a sperm, and an uterus. Mommy had the uterus, but she needed help with the other two items. I had some help and that resulted in him or her. Sounded good. Maybe I do need to practice.

Finally the discussion of multiples came up. I really felt like I was being judged at this point. She said I should not try to have multiples. If I get pregnant with triplets, I should do selective reduction. She thought I would not be able to survive carrying triplets. Really? Does she know my medical history? Or is it based on sight? Scary.

I felt good, but a little terrified when I walked out of that appointment. She said that she felt I was in a good place about the embryo adoption and that I use similar phrases to what she would hope for. Also, after all the difficult "what if it doesn't work" discussion, she said it most likely WILL work. I think that's the first time I truly believed it!

Really?!

2010-05-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

So I am starting to get frustrated. I have NO control of this process! I am asking, cajoling, BEGGING for people to do things for me. Mexxxxx has not done the blood tests. She has not done the psych eval. I don't get it. I mean she has been so good at getting things done. The silver lining, she does have a confirmed appointment on May 13.

I just can't believe how S L O W L Y this is going. We have been matched for 6 weeks. I realize there are lives to be lived, but I would think she would want to be done with her piece and not have to worry about these embryos again.

My mantra is now PATIENCE!

Psych!

2010-05-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

I called my old therapist to see if he could do my psych eval. I enjoyed working with him on relationship issues when I had a nasty break up. I figured he knows me, would probably like to know I was doing well, and would be willing to do the evaluation quickly and inexpensively. I thought wrong!

He was happy to hear from me and happy for me to come in. I sent him the referral list from the clinic and asked him to call anyone on the list to get a peer consult on what was required. When I came in, I was under the impression that we would be doing the eval. It started out like a normal catch up session. Then halfway through the 50 minute session, he tells me he knew one of the people on the list. He called her and got the information and found that the evaluation was extremely specialized. Therefore he was going to refer me to the colleague he knew. On and that will be $ 150 for the session. Boy I walked right into that one!

I am SO Confused!

2010-04-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

OK, so I am now trying to figure out what is necessary for me to move the embryos to California from Delaware. What I know I need:

FDA Tests from donor
Psych eval for donor and me

I am thankful that Mexxxxx has agreed to do the testing and the psych eval. I don't know what I would have done if she had refused. Apparently the FDA has a panel of blood and urine tests that are required for embryos that are stored after May 25, 2005. The embryos I am getting were from 2008. That means I need the testing done to use them.

Mexxxxx has said she will get all this done by the first week of May. That is great. Just plugging away with the requirements. Maybe I'll be able to use the embryos in June! That is, unless they need something else. I mean, there is no easy to use checklist. It is just throwing a dart at a dart board after riding a rollercoaster 10 times.

They're Mine!

2010-04-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

I got the A and R today! That means they are mine. Now it's time to get the documents to my Clinical Coordinator, Eileen. I sent the message to the agency and asked for them.

I am worried that the director of the agency is getting pulled in too many directions. It has been over three weeks and I have not gotten anywhere near being able to use these embryos. She has been responsive and forwarded all of the documentation she has to my doctor's office today, but I have no idea what she forwarded. I am hoping that most of the documents are there.

This is so much more stressful than I had anticipated. I am so ready to move on and try to get pregnant again. I am contemplating whether I should do another IUI. I think the possibilities of success are low, but I just hate being on the bench. I don't know if I can justify the expense. I know that when I am able to use the embryos, it will be a $ 3000+ cycle.

Patience!

A and R

2010-04-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

I am waiting patiently (NOT!). I need the contract and the acknowledgement and relinquishment document. Then in the scheme of things, all parties in the agreement acknowledge that the embryos have become mine. I need the donor to sign the form. It was sent to her almost a week ago. Everything has gone so smoothly. I don't understand the delay.

I contacted the agency to follow up (I am trying to be patient, so no more often than every 3 days). Apparently the donor was on vacation. I will have the form soon. Then I can feel that the embryos are REALLY mine.

Frustration starting to set in ... not really sure what needs to be done next. I know I will figure it out. At least I hope I will.

I Matched ... Now What?

2010-04-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

OK, so let's get this thing going. I matched, so everything should just go smoothly and I can use them the next cycle, right? Breathe.

What I got:
(5) 5 day embryos that were vitrified (very new technology)

First, there is the contract. It has to be signed both me and the donor couple. Then I have to send in all the documents for my dossier and a check for the match. Once that's complete, I get to use them, right? WRONG. What does my clinic require? What does the donor's clinic require? Maybe I can get everything done quickly. Maybe I can use them in the next month. Maybe I should just see what really is in store for me!

OMG! I Matched!

2010-03-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

I had so many choices the other day for available donors. After weighing all the options, I decided to go with Mexxxxx. Her age and the number of embryos helped make the decision easy, but the fact that there would be no full siblings unless I had them was the thing that took it over the top.

I know that I differ from some of my friends. Some like the connection. I like being able to build my family without the expectations of the siblings seeing each other. Much less pressure.

Mexxxxx was 24 when she did IVF. I am 42. Can you imagine the egg quality difference!? Unfortunately she has severe endometriosis, so she can't carry to term. Thankfully she picked me. She contacted the agency before she finished my letter to say we had so much in common.

I am so thankful that I matched. I can't believe that it happened. Essentially 6 weeks after submitting my application and adoption letter, I matched. I most be an overachiever, I was told it could take 6 to 9 months!

A Plethora of Options

2010-03-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that there are three available sets of embryos with donors willing to match with a single person right now. In addition, they ALL have lab reports available. I feel like I've hit the jackpot. Hopefully, one will be the right choice. The options are:

J (qty. 2) - concerns ... only two embryos, bio dad age and the profile mentions they are not optimal number of cells and are grade B (grade A being best)
H (qty. 4) - concerns ... age of donors (not old, but in their 30's), mental health issues in the family and mixed race
M (qty. 5) - concerns ... not successful in having a child and weight

I have had all of the reports sent to my doctor. She completely understands the urgency in which we need to respond. I am hoping to hear from her soon.

Teacher's Pet

2010-03-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

I have been in constant contact with the agency director. She is a very nice woman. She sometimes seems a little scattered, but I have enjoyed talking to her. I think I have spoken to her compassionate side and now she is looking out for my interests. I got an e-mail today from her about a new donor who has called in, but not submitted any paperwork. She usually sends out an e-mail through the Yahoo group to everyone who is looking to adopt about this type of thing. Instead today I got a personal e-mail telling me that the donor is willing to accept single profiles. That really makes me feel good and that I may actually succeed in matching ... some day. I am waiting (im)patiently for the information about this donor.

On the other route to mommy-hood ... unfortunately I have to take a month break. It's not because I have any issues, it's because I will be traveling during my fertile/ovualtion time. I would have loved to keep trying this month, but a month off mentally and physically may be a blessing. I will press onward when AF returns in April.

Luck of the Irish

2010-03-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

You know you are unlucky when all the news you get on St. Patrick's Day is disappointing.

First, my period started. That means I am back to square 1. Will I ever get to feel a baby growing inside of me? Will I ever get to be a mother?

Second, Elliott went with another family. This is REALLY frustrating. How many families will I try to match with before it's my turn? It's as bad as the 2WW. I mean you get your hopes up and then you get told that you are not the one.

I keep telling myself that I have not been trying that long. I have been told a match is 3 to 9 months down the road fron the start. It hasn't been 3 months yet. Don't panic. You can keep your morale up. Just keep your chin up and know that will be a whole lot of "no's" before a "yes". When you finally hear the word everything else will melt away.

Surprising!

2010-03-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

I assumed that every code name on the donor list is female. I see Elxxxxx and assume it is Eleanor. WRONG. Try Elliott. It’s really surprising. I mean, that there are men who want to have children and then through a Christian oriented organization are willing to donate. It is very exciting and thought-provoking.

Each step of the way, I have conceded different things. When I originally decided I wanted a child, I had carefully weighed all options and decided to have a Caucasian sperm donor. I had also decided to have a biological child. As I have come to this point, I am now using an embryo donor and considering a mixed race child. It all comes down to wanting a healthy child. If I match with Elliott, the child will be 1/4^th Korean.

I had to make a decision quickly. This one is scary, because I have not had my doctor look at the lab results. Do I or don’t I? Well, I do. I figure I am already in an area that will not look at a single mother any different than anyone else. I might as well go after my best opportunities and not limit myself.

I am three days from the end of my 2WW. It would be really exciting if this were the month and I wouldn’t need to “adopt”. I will keep hoping.

Really?! Has It Come to This?

2010-03-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

I have been impateintly waiting to hear if the 9 embryos have been matched. I heard there were already 10 people interested in the embryos before I submitted my name and profile as well. Everyone is as interested as I am.

I have been checking my e-mail and the agencies web-site and nothing up until today. The embryos have now been moved from available to pending match. Since I have heard nothing, I expect I am not the potential match. A little disheartening. I know I have not been trying that long, but have submitted for three matches thus far. Do I no longer merit an update on whether or not I matched? I have to admit I expected this to be a long shot, but really did have my hopes up.

Oh well! They went with a married couple.

IUI #99

2010-03-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm kidding. Just seems like it's been that many.

I don't know if I have just gotten to a point where I don't believe this will work or if has gotten so routine. First, I was not in one of the normal exam rooms at the RE. This one was on the opposite side of the hall without a window to natural light. It also had the bed facing the opposite direction. Major Feng Shui issues.

Funny side note, one day I was in the RE's office and someone had to switch rooms, because the woman had to face the wrong way for the IUI. It was a religious belief situation. I just wonder if they always have sex facing the correct direction.

My RE came in and did the IUI. She then told me to lay there for 10 to 15 minutes. The first time we ever did an IUI she told me to do the same thing and then discounted the comment by saying the sperm was already in the uterus and laying for a while may or may not do anything. The other RE in the practice looked at me like I was nuts the first time he did an IUI for me and I asked about laying there for a period of time. So for this IUI, I laid there for 3 to 5 minutes and got up to get changed. LOL ... she came walking back in the room just after I got dressed and chastised me for already getting up.

Well ... officially in the 2ww. We'll see if this is the one!

Hexxx Egg donor 9 embryos Anonymous-< 3 kids- any age range

2010-03-03T20:07:00.000-08:00

That's what the available embryo announcements via e-mail look like.

This one is really exciting. 9! Can you believe it? There are 9 embryos available. That would mean I could try more than once. I could have genetic siblings. That's a really exciting prospect.

What are they looking for? Well they are OK with married or single, obviously three or less existing children and middle or upper class.

I took a poll ... did you know that middle class is a huge range depending upon who you ask? I heard $ 40K, 60K, 85K, 100K. I don't know what you thoughts are, but I assumed upper middle class is over $ 100K.

Well, I spoke with my RE about these embryos. There are no lab reports to review. The meet most of the criteria she gave me ... live births from the cycle, younger maternal age, quantity. I am going to go ahead and accept these "as is".

Third time is the charm? I certainly hope so. This would REALLY make my month!

Attempt #2 Or Not

2010-02-23T21:37:00.000-08:00

First, I am going to get to do another IUI. It will be IUI #9. Never, ever thought it would take this long. In my mind, it really has not been that long, but on the calendar I have been trying over a year! Granted most people try for a week monthly during their fertile time. I have been trying once a month whenever I ovulate on the correct side.

I submitted my profile today for "Lo's" embryos. I was a little nervous about hers. She had 8 embryos in all, but split them into two groups for two different families. That means there will be three families with full siblings. Not terrible, but not so comfortable with that. However, all of her test results were in, so my doctor could review them. She said these were worthwhile, so go ahead and submit. How exciting! Unfortunately, i received a call about 30 minutes later saying I had been submitted and rejected. Why? I live too close to the donor! What are the odds?! Next!

Dr. Wonderful

2010-02-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

I didn't contact my doctor about the lack of matching. I was scheduled for a doctor's appointment today, so I figured we would discuss it at the appointment. Surprise! My doctor once again has gone above and beyond. She contacted the agency about "An". Unfortunately she was then informed that embryos had gone to someone else. My doctor still spoke to the director about the the process and what kind of information can be obtained. The director was VERY impressed. She called me up immediately after the call and told me she spoke to "Dr. Wonderful". It appears I am not the only one who speaks hughly of my RE.

My appointment was moved to tomorrow. Hoping the cyst is gone and I can continue to have IUIs until a match is made.

Double Whammy

2010-02-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

Well, it appears I am moving on to IUI #9. I took the last month off due to a cyst. My cycle is due any moment now!

I judged a gymnastics meet all day today. It was a nice distraction from back cramps and grouchiness. To add insult to injury the agency contacted me. "An" has chosen another family. Apparently they were willing to take the embryos "as is". That's a really strange concept. I mean, you have to take them "as is". There is no way to improve them, but it essentially means you will not request any additional testing, paperwork, or whatever. You will go to whatever clinic that is willing to implant them. Not sure I am ready to go there. I trust my doctor and have a really good relationship with her. I don't want to go else where. It will feel like a one night stand. Wham, bam, thank you Ma'am.

Since I had not officially said I want the embryos, I didn't even have my profile submitted to the donor. I didn't realize there was more than one person involved. I also didn't realize my profile hadn't been submitted to her. Lesson learned.

I guess I will look at the website again this weekend and then inquire again.

Am I Feeling Lucky?

2010-02-16T21:44:00.000-08:00

I contacted the agency today and asked about a donor's information. All I know about her is that her name starts with "An" and she has 4 embryos up for adoption. She is of European decent and is willing to adopt to a single woman. My doctor will look at the embryology report and let me know what she thinks. This is my first attempt ... maybe my last. Really don't know how quickly the reports will be sent and when my doctor will look at them. I think she'll be fairly quick to respond, but I have no idea what her schedule is.

I am sort of ambivalent about this one. I would be very excited to match, but I also am very concerned about making the right choice. Do I want to rush into something? Or do I want to review all angles? Do I want my doctor's blessing? It's not easy to balance this. I guess it will take some time to understand the process and the trade-offs.

Let the Games Begin

2010-02-13T22:34:00.000-08:00

It's official. My application and registration fee have all be accepted by the embryo adoption agency.

I am now able to submitted my profile to anyone on the list who is willing to adopt out to a single person. The options are limited. I knew that when I started this process. However, I have seen the site updated on a weekly basis with matches and new donors, so I do have high hopes.

What is my criteria? How do I decide if it is a good set of embryos? How quickly do I have to act? I don't know!!!!

I guess my criteria is what my doctor says is good. Unfortunately they don't all have lab results on file for all of donors.

How many embryos are available? I really would like 4 or more. Statistically 60% of the embryos survive the thaw. Then there is a 40% chance that a pregnancy will result from the frozen embryo transfer (FET). That means I need 4 or more to be able to try more than once with one or more embryos.

How many children do the donors have? I would like to know they have successfully had a child, but not too many. This will be a 100% biological sibling if I give birth from these embryos.

Anything of concern in the medical history? Of course I will look at this. Not sure what will give me a pause. We all have medical history issues. Perhaps if no one lives to 50, but cancer or heart conditions. Every family has it somewhere.

I truly don't know what the agency can give and what I can ask for. Right now I am only working off of the web site. The information is limited. It's almost like pulling a name out of a hat. Just praying you chose wisely!

I'm sure more will arise as I continue this process. I am guessing it will evolve in time.

The "Adoption" Letter

2010-02-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

How?
How do I tell people about me and my life? It's not that remarkable. As I wrote the letter I realized I have had a nice upbringing and am very lucky that my family truly cares for each other. Also, I have an abundance of great people in my circle of friends. I don't know many people who have freinds since birth or since high school. I graduated 25 years ago. I've had a few friends since my Freshman year. AMAZING!

What?
What do I tell them? I mean what is so interesting about me that people will jump and say "Yes! I want to pick her." I have to tell them about ME.

In under 2000 words, I am going to describe my life with my hopes and dreams. No big deal. That's why it took me almost 6 weeks to write. This is why I haven't applied to the agency yet. This is my hold up. You know you really learn about yourself as you are going through this process. You become more self aware. It's almost like I should have done this prior to going to the RE the first time. I am much clearer how much I want a child.

2WW ... Over

2010-01-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

AF is here. Yes, it's an unwelcome visit, but I will be OK.

It's amazing how much you live by the calendar through this process.
CD1 - Start of your period.
CD2 or 3 - get the baseline vaginal ultrasound (recently referred to a dildo cam)
CD3 - start fertility medication for five or more days
CD10 - get the mid-cycle ultrasound to count follicles
CD14 or 15 - IUI
CD18 - start progesterone suppositories
CD28 or 29 - check a pregnancy test (POAS) - if negative wait 3 days and POAS again

I am SO lucky that my manager allows me to have a flexible schedule. I have no idea what they think about all my doctor appointments. I have had more than one person ask me if I am OK. I can only imagine. I'm sure it will all be clear once I finally am able to announce I am expecting. Unfortunately that will have to wait for another month.

The Will

2010-01-21T21:14:00.000-08:00

It's really strange to think about dying while you are trying to create a life. The more bizarre aspect of this is that my will will not remain the same if I am successful.

I give all my worldly goods to my niece and nephew ... however if I should have a son or daughter that will will be changed instantaneously. I still wonder why a will is required in a home study or in this adoption dossier. I suppose it shows them what I own and that I am prepared.

It was a really good exercise to create a will. Yes, I did not have one before this point. I was advised not to do it on my own, but to do estate planning with an attorney. First things first. Let me have a good reason to do estate planning. A bundle of joy would be just the right reason.

IUI # 8

2010-01-06T22:06:00.000-08:00

Really?! I can't believe I am already doing #8.

I have decided to continue to do IUIs until I am able to secure donor eggs or embryos. There is no guarantee that I will be able to get either quickly.

Am I just throwing money down the drain? I don't know. I still have an outside chance of having a biological child. My RE has not dissuaded me from continuing to try.

Is a biological child something I must have? No. Is it a "nice to have"? Sure. I will love a child regardless of biology. I have given this much thought. My child will be spoiled with love and attention, not things. I know, I know ... wait until the child is begging for something. That will be the test! Speaking of test ... 2 week wait has now officially started.

Is This the Right Path?

2010-01-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

I contacted the agency in Ohio. The director seems to be running a one-man show, but is very kind and energetic. She has said it is more difficult for a single woman to match, but she has found it to take 3 to 9 months, not upwards of two years that the other agency mentions. I have asked her to send all of the documents to me for applying. It is a ton of work. In all from applying to final match I will have to produce 24 pieces of documentation. Some are easy (copy of drivers license), some are hard (background check), some are time consuming (will and asking for references) and some are soul searching (adoption letter). I think I can get everything done quickly, but it will all depend on work, gymnastics and my ability to write the letter. I am asking someone to give up their miracle of life although they having willingly offered it. How do I want to present myself? How do I want to tell them I want to raise the child? What is the most important thing I want to convey?

After a lot of soul searching, I think it is still not time to give up on my dreams of being pregnant and giving birth to my child. The child may not have my DNA, but I will be the birth mother.

On a Quest

2009-12-29T16:50:00.000-08:00

How? Where? Who? What have I gotten myself into? This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to embryo adoption.

I have done some research on embryo adoption. There are only a handful of agencies that do it privately. There are a few other avenues: fertility clinics, fertility social networks, and adoption attorneys. All of them take time and have different requirements.

I am trying to decide between one of two agencies. The one is more expensive, comments about the difficulty for singles to match and the extended timing, and requires a home study. So why consider them? They are located in California and they appear to be more professional. The other is located in Ohio and only requires a dossier instead of a home study. I have decided to contact the one in Ohio and get more information.

Same Protocol?!

2009-12-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

Saw my RE today. I made the latest appointment as possible, because I knew we were going to have a LONG talk.

First thing she asked was "same protocol?" Well no, we have some decisions to make.

It comes down to just a few things:
a) I am not a good candidate for IVF. I have never produced enough eggs in any one cycle for them to proceed for harvesting. Tha means that I would subject myself to all the injections for 10 days and the price of that medication (upwards of $ 5,000) and then be told either that I will be doing an IUI (what I am already doing) or take the month off, since the wrong ovary stimulated. How is this any different than what I am already doing?
b) My eggs do not appear to be of good quality. If they were, I would have gotten at least one BFP (maybe not carry to term, but at least a pregnancy).
c) The number of eggs I am producing with the IVF meds does not justify the cost. $ 5,000 for 2 to 3 eggs or $ 225 for 1 to 2 eggs.

My RE wanted to know what my intentions were and I brought up two options: egg donor or donor embryos. I wanted to walk through the possibilites and determine what was the "best" option. I had mentioned the donor embryos to her partner and he shot it down right away. My RE was excited. I think she realized I had walked through the steps I needed to make this type of decision.

The pros of both are that I would be using eggs from a much younger woman, so I won't have to worry about some of the issues older woman using their own eggs do. Less chance of Downs, etc.

The cons are that I won't be the biological mother of the child and that with donor eggs the quality is unknown.

My doctor and I agreed that donor embryos were the right way to go if I can find them. In the mean time, I am going back to using Femara and continuing IUIs. There is always a chance I can get pregnant with my own eggs ... it's just a really long shot.

IVF?

2009-12-15T08:58:00.000-08:00

When I saw the BFN and AF started this cycle I had to have a heart to heart with myself. My RE's partner had brought up IVF the last time I saw him for an ultrasound. I know he thinks my chances are better if I do IVF, but am I REALLY a good candidate for IVF?

Facts (general - age groups break out more and can have a greater success the younger the woman):
IUI success for woman under 40 - about 10%
IUI success for woman over 40 - about 3%
IVF success for woman under 40 - about 25%
IVF success for woman over 40 - about 10%

OK, so a 1 in 10 chance. Not too bad. Return on investment ... priceless.

Now let's look at my specifics.
When using the same drugs for an IUI as an IVF, I had 3 eggs. They could up the dosage. but I was on the second highest dose they prescribe. The official diagnosis - poor responder.
IVF requires anesthia. Not a huge deal, but if for ANY reason something goes wrong and I need general anesthia, my jaw issue is just that; an issue. To alleviate the issue, I could opt to have the procedure done at Stanford under general anesthia. Yea, sure, I am made of money. This would be out of pocket and cost approximately $ 15,000. That would change the IVF procedure from $ 17,000 to $ 30,000.
Egg quality is unknown. If it was good, I probably would be pregnant already.

Now the tough discussion with my doctor. We both want me to give birth to a healthy baby. I just need to now accept some other options.

IVF? No.

Phantom Signs?

2009-10-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

You know the signs when you are hungry. It's not like you wish yourself to be hungry. You also know the signs to needing to go to the bathroom. Seldom do you wish yourself to NEED to pee. Every time you get a minor symptom when you are trying to get pregnant you are WILLING yourself to have it. It's funny, someone on the forum commented that she pushed in her breasts so hard to determine if they were tender, that when she was done, they were! We're all the same in this endeavor. It's so nice to know that, because I feel less like an island and much more part of a sisterhood.

IUI #6

2009-10-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Please mark this as TMI!

I am thankful that my company is understanding about my need to work at home at times and I took advantage of it today. Today was my sixth IUI (three more than I ever thought it would take!).

I got up this morning and walked into the living room ... commute over!

After that, timing was everything. Around 11:45 AM, I used my "toy" and then was at the clinic at 12:15 PM. I waited for the sperm to thaw and then I went upstairs for the IUI. The IUI was quick and easy. I then put in an Instead Cup and went home. Worked another hour or so before I fell asleep on the couch for 5 hours. Removed the Instead Cup and once again used my "toy".

I don't know that there is any way of knowing or feeling immediately that it worked. I mean, there are plenty of people who have done IVF and they don't know. That's with the hard part already done.

Along the fertility lines, I wish I were as fertile as the cats in my backyard. I currently have a litter of four kittens living under my house. At least I did until this morning. I plucked a little one out of the big kitties' food bowl. She's adorable, but I don't NEED another cat!

29

2009-10-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

In the last 11 days, I have had 28 injections and will have my 29th tonight.

Follistim ($ 250 each) - 10 treatments (unfortunately one of the treatments required two injections)
Menopur ($ 75 each) - 10 treatments
Ganirelix ($ 95 each) - 6 treatments
Flu shot (free) - 1 treatment
Ovidrel ($ 47 each) - 1 treatment

No wonder my abdomen has been tender and I have been iritable and staying close to home. Now that this phase is complete, I am looking forward to the next phase. Hopefully this 2ww ends with a second line on a pregnancy test.

Hibernation

2009-10-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had a lot to deal with. I know I've mentioned some of it before, but it has been somewhat overwhelming. When I get stressed and a little depressed, I hibernate.

Work has been really stressful. I was told by someone in my group that one of my managers was purposefully overloading me so he can justify an additional headcount. Since I have a reputation of being able to handle a heavy workload, if I can't handle what I am being given, then they should be able hire another person. It totally sucks though. I mean, I am killing myself trying to keep up and they are bombarding me. It doesn't do much for my self esteem either, because I thought I was failing at my job. Now I am working a little smarter and getting the key items handled and letting the other things trickle up as necessary. I am a little happier, but still a little angry that I am being put in this situation.

This cycle is definitely not turning out the way I expected. I started out on a fairly high dose of Follistim (300 IUs) and Menopur (75 IUs). I saw the RE on CD2, CD6, and CD9. The CD9 appointment was extremely disappointing. The follicle on the left is not responding as the RE had hoped. It will still be the one we are aiming for when we do the IUI, but the RE was less than excited about proceeding. This time he left the decision up to me. He asked me if I wanted to proceed based on what I have gone through so far this cycle. My bet is that my discomfort has been minor compared to others, but it still has not been an easy time.

I walked out of the exam room on Thursday and overheard him answering the clinical nurse about why we were proceeding. His response; age and expense. Ouch! I do have the potential of more than one egg releasing on the left side; really small chance. I also have two releasing from the right, but there are no guarantees that the left side will pick them up. Seriously frustrating.

The injections are hurting more each day. Thankfully I only have 4 injections left this cycle (two tonight, one Sunday AM, and the last one Sunday night). I think I am hitting the same spots or close to the same spots every other day. It's painful and it burns. I will live, but my body seems to be constantly trying to recover from all these "injuries."

Gymnastics has been a little more calm after the blowup about the course. However, I have been really stressed about securing a location for the course. The California School for the Deaf finally contacted me and said that we can use their facility. Was so worried I would have to scramble at the last moment to find a location. Thankfully this gift dropped into my lap.

I have been trying to keep up with all this, plus taking care of a home and having a life. I know it gets more complicated having an infant, but a couple things will go by the wayside when that happens.

I guess it all comes down to me being a little depressed about my current situation. When I get to this point, I typically sequester myself in my house, stop answering the phone, and avoid all outside communication. It's really hard to explain to my friends. I am still able to function when it comes to work and chores, but I can't do any more. For the past three weekends, I haven't even showered one of the days. This weekend I appear to be on an upswing. I actually got a few things done around the house, showered, and went shopping. I am feeling a little more optimistic. Maybe I won't hibernate until Spring!

Signs

2009-10-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

When you have worked on something for so long, you latch onto ANY (real or imagined) sign you can. I went for my last acupuncture appointment this month tonight. I won't have another until the end of my next period. When I left, the acupuncturist handed me a 2010 calendar. I am hoping that was a sign that I won't be getting acupuncture again for another 40 or so weeks ... sometime in 2010. I know REALLY reaching!

I Must Be Cursed

2009-10-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

NOTHING in this cycle is going as planned. And I really mean NOTHING!

Today I called to order the donor sperm. Happy call. This means I am going through with the cycle. Awesome. However, my donor was sold out. What?! I just want to cry. I spent many hours agonizing over my choice. I felt great with my selection and now I have to make an alternate choice if I am going to proceed this month. Gut-wrenching.

How do I go on? If I want to order it today and "save" money, I had a little less than 30 minutes to make a choice. I feel like I am throwing darts at a dart board. More luck than skill when it comes to my playing darts. I get onto the sperm bank web-site and review my second favorite choice. I remember him. He's compassionate, bright, actually fits my profile a little more on ethnicity and religion. It's truly a gut choice. He was narrowed down for a reason. Why had I marked him #2 and the other #1? Not sure, other than one was a slightly newer donor and had a little more education. I'm sure there was more, but now I have to decide what to do.

I placed the order for my previous number 2 choice. I have put myself through too much this month not to. My body is bloated, my abdomen is sore from all the injections (at this point too many to count), I am constantly feeling ill, I don't want to eat anything (nothing sounds yummy or exciting), I've had muscle and head aches, and I am exhausted. Yes, my new number 1 choice it is!

I am hoping that all these roadblocks are setting me up for a BFP and 9 months of pregnant bliss. We'll see.

Stress

2009-10-13T21:50:00.001-07:00

Stress comes in many ways. Deadlines at work, paying the bills, parents' health, people wanting things from you. The stress inducers are never-ending.

My definition of stress ... ordering medication needed immediately and it not arriving! I ordered it yesterday, since I needed it for tonight. By 3:30 PM, it had not arrived at work. The pharmacy said it was shipped. Fed Ex said they tried to deliver, but the business was closed. After sorting through this, I found out they shipped it to my house, not work. After work I went and picked it up from the Fed Ex depot. As I am describing it here, it seems calm, cool, and collected. Believe me, I was anything but!

Are We or Aren't We?

2009-10-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today I had my cycle day ultrasound. Today is also the day to decide whether this cycle is a go or not.

The Stats:
Right side - (2) 12.5 mm follicles and a couple smaller ones
Left side - (1) 10.5 mm follicle and five smaller ones

Options:
1) Scrap the cycle
2) Take another medication to delay my ovulation to allow the left follicle and hopefully one more of the small ones to "catch up"

The RE's take:
"It is not impossible to get pregnant this cycle."
"There is no right answer."
"Each cycle makes a difference."

OK, which way would you go? After talking with the RE a little further, I decided to try this month. It's been 5 months since my last attempt, not that this is the reason I am trying. The reason I am is because I have had my tube cleared out about 6 weeks ago and that makes things a little easier. I have also spent a small fortune this month not to try. My body is feeling like a pin cushion and I would like to see it go the distance this month.

Now what?
I am adding one more injection to the routine. That means three injections a day! After all this, who needs acupuncture.

IUI planned for some time in the next 10 days. Will know for sure after Thursday morning.

Another Milestone Reached

2009-10-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

It's funny. I spend a lot of time reading the posts on the TTC, Advanced TTC, and Pregnancy forums. Each week we post our updates and one of them is how long we have been trying to conceive. I have not reached my 1 year anniversary yet, but then again I feel that number is not very telling. I have only tried 5 months out of the last 9, so I really don't feel I have tried the last 9, but more like the last 5 (I know it's semantics). It's strange how different things become milestones. Mine is that I just finished my 2nd bottle of pre-natals this morning without being pregnant. Yes, I have gone through 290 pre-natal vitamin tablets (one bottle of 200 and one bottle of 90). The next bottle better be the lucky charm ... you know , it is the 3rd bottle. I made sure it was another 200. ;-)

The Follisitm / Menopur combination is proving to be the most difficult so far on me. First, the Menopur needle is just slightly larger than the other ones I have been dealing with. It hurts just a little bit more. Also, I am feeling more side effects. I am a little more tired and am feeling aches and cramps. I am hoping that the fact it is predominantly on the left, that the left is playing the game. I'll find out tomorrow how this cycle is progressing.

Is this cycle over before it starts?

2009-10-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

Went to the doctor today for my baseline ultrasound. It was an interesting appointment, but somewhat disappointing.

First, this RE is so different from my regular one. I suppose that in the next few weeks we'll "bond" and I won't think anything of it. He is just much more technical and much less personable.

So the ultrasound found a number of antral follicles ... 5 on the right and 2 on the left. The good news is that the number of follicles is still good for my age. The bad news is it appears my right side will be dominant. Regardless, these are indicators, not the actual follicles that will be growing (confusing, I know). However, it may indicate that I have fewer primordial follicles in my left ovary. It only takes ONE GOOD EGG on the left side. Just one!!! I will know on Monday if this cycle is also a bust. I am hoping it will be like May and the left ovary comes charging back to be the one ovulating.

Injections start tonight. You know, I am really impressed with the different technologies for the way the medication is packaged. One is in a cartridge that is put in a injection pen. The other is in two vials that have to be mixed (one liquid, the other powder).

I am really amazed at how I am able to give myself an injection. It's a little freaky to realize that I am doing something to myself that I hated others to do to me. If I can do this to have a baby, I think I have the strength to be a single mother.

CD1 - Let the Game Begin

2009-10-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever be excited about the start of my period. As a pre-teen/teenager, you somewhat think it is gross. As an adult you may think it is annoying. When you are ttc'ing, it can be the worst thing or the best thing.

Worst - I'm not pregnant
Best - I get to try again! It seems like I have not trying as much as trying at this point (Try - 5 cycles, Not Try - 4 month break). I hope this month I get to at least try!!!

Tomorrow, is CD2 and the start of injectibles. Just think of me as a human pin cushion for the next week!

I get to have my baseline ultrasound by my RE's partner. It should be an interesting appointment. I like that he is available early (7 AM appointments!). He always says something awkward. We'll see how the conversation goes this time.

Tick, Tick, Tick ... Waiting Again!

2009-10-06T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday. Nothing remarkable about that, except that I am now on CD31 of a 29 day cycle. I was so prepared. Medicine ready? Check. Acupuncture schedule? Check. Fertility diet mapped out? Check. CD1? Nope!

How does this affect everything that has been planned? Well, the acupuncture schedule needs to be looked at. The acupuncturist does not want to treat me during my period. Looks like my Friday appointment needs to be rescheduled.

Fertility diet? Well, sort of. I am trying a few minor dietary changes that are supposed to help. Like what? Wheatgrass juice for egg quality (it helps with lowering FSH). Additionally B complex foods can help. I am also eating walnuts daily and wild rice every few days.
Another goal is to create a good uterine lining. Red raspberry leaf tea is good for that. Honestly my uterine lining has been within the acceptable ranges, with the exception of July when I was taking baby aspirin and Fish Oil. Since I was taking two blood thinners, my uterine lining was about 6 and you want anything over 7. After ovulation I will be eating pineapple to help with implantation. If the egg is good and the uterus is a welcoming environment, all it's going to take is nature ... egg, sperm, I think you get the idea.

OK, so I have a plan and I am ready; REALLY READY! Now if only my body would cooperate. Oh, yea ... Patience.

Be Prepared

2009-10-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like I was a Boy Scout in a past life (maybe that explains why I can't get pregnant ... wrong branch of the scouts!). My next cycle is starting ANY DAY now and it's Friday! Yesterday, I called my RE's office to ask a few things:

1) If the RE wants me to start my injections of Follistin and Menopur on CD2, what happens if my period starts on Saturday?
I was told that if I start my period on Saturday, we will do my baseline U/S on CD3 and start the meds on CD3. So much for doing things per the schedule set out last month.

2) I don't have any Menopur, nor do I know how to administer it. How will I get it and when will I be taught?
My RE's medical assistant put in the order for the medication today. I almost fell off my chair when the pharmacy called with the order. Ten vials of Menopur (75 IUs each) - $ 750. Two vials of Follistim (900 IUs each) - $ 2,400. Uh, hold the Follistim! I have enough for four days already. I would like to speak with the RE first and figure out how many days he plans for me to take the medication. Once I figure that out, I will ask the medical assistant to call it in to the other pharmacy where it is $ 750 a vial, not $ 1,200. Insurance isn't helping out, so knowing the correct source for each thing will help save SOME money.

3) How's my RE doing? Any baby yet?
Dr. J is doing great. She's scheduled to have the baby on Saturday. Awesome.

Weel, I'm prepared for the cycle. Now let the games begin!

No, No, No

2009-09-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am still pondering my diet. It seems that it is all no's.

Examples:
Tomorrow I am meeting a friend at a Mexican restaurant. Hmm ... drinks with chips and salsa. Uh ... NO! No fried foods. No alcohol. Limited spicy food. Heck, what's left?

Last week we had a company meeting and we celebrated the September birthdays. Yum ... cupcakes. Oops ... no white sugar.

I go to Starbucks quite often. I LOVE coffee. I gave up caffeine 12 years ago. Guess it's decaf.

I realize that this is the right way to get healthy. I mean, taking out bad foods, learning how to eat better and then learning how to do things in moderation. Still learning!

Feelings

2009-09-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

This has not been a stress-free month. Work, gymnastics, health, ttc. For a month off, this is not what it should be and I really don't know how to turn it around!

Work - Although I got a good review today, I feel like I have not focused on what needs to be done. I am focusing on every outside distraction and I really need to block it out. I am gaining my focus again, but I am still not to the point where I feel in control. Hopefully in the near future I will get there.

Gymnastics - Can you say politics? I become President and it seems like someone threw a rock at a hornet's nest. I love the sport, I want to do what is best for the association, I don't know if this was the right thing to do while trying to get pregnant. I know I am more than capable. I just need to be more strategic.

Health - I am walking. I am eating healthy. I am not eating white sugar or fried foods or soda and I am limiting my meat and my food intake. I am making better choices in what I buy and what I eat. Why am I still not happy with how things are going? In addition, my jaw seems to be getting worse. WHY?!

TTC - Dear Lord, this is expensive. I know it doesn't get any cheaper once I have another (blessed) mouth the feed, but it still is hard to look at the monthly doctor bill. I was so excited for this month. The hydrosalpinx has been removed, so no chance of a toxic uterus. My remaining tube was flushed, so that means there is no "garbage" to get in the way. The stars were aligned, or so I thought. Then the right ovary was dominant. Serious frustration.

I am sitting here typing this and trying to figure out when I am happy these days. I am happy in the morning when my kitties decide to wake me up purring and asking for attention. I am happy taking the first sip of my Starbucks Americano in the morning. I am happy when I get more things off my desk at work during a day than what gets placed on my desk. I am happy when I find a new food that I like. I am happy when I am visiting with friends. I am happy when I am walking around Lake Elizabeth by myself or with a friend. I am happy when I am talking on the phone with friends and family. I am happy when I am judging or coaching gymnastics. I guess I am happy more than I thought. Why does it feel like the unhappy, sad, stressed feelings are more often than the happy ones? BTW - I realize that I am seriously PMS'ing this month!

My doctor is on maternity leave. I will be seeing her partner for the next couple months. I hope it is only for one (October) and that I can graduate to a regular OB with a bean in the incubator. I sent a message to my RE before she went on leave. I promised not to be too much trouble for her partner, but I know she will her about me from him. His bedside manner is a little stiff and with her I feel a partnership going through this process. I will be working on the partnership with him while she is out. Hopefully he doesn't strangle me. :-)

Milestones

2009-09-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

Each week I set new goals. One of the goals was no white sugar or fried foods until my next pregnancy test. This goal was set in July. Little did I know it was going to take this long before I would get to test. Regardless, I have now made it 10 weeks without either. It has not been as hard as I thought it would be. I can even walk into a candy store, bakery, and chip aisle without craving the items. Guess I've got another 6 weeks at the minimum to go!

Day 6

2009-09-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today was supposed to be my last injection of this cycle. Instead, the cycle was cancelled this morning.

This journey has been really difficult. I am still sure I am doing the right thing, but it's been an emotional roller coaster.

January - shear excitement. Absolutely confident that I will be successful.
February - still optimistic. It doesn't always happen the first time.
March - still not dissuaded ... it WILL happen.
April - time to look for reasons why it's not happening. Still can work through this.
May - finally got the test done. Yes, there is a reason, but it is not insurmountable.
June - cysts. My body is getting tired of the medication. Guess it's a natural time to take a break.
July - wrong side ovulating. Grrr. Starting to get frustrated.
August - surgery. New hope. Right tube removed and minor endometriosis treated. Renewed optimism.
September - wrong side ovulating. Rather than try to force the left ovary to catch up to the right (if possible), another cycle cancelled. Sad. You know I have essentially been on hold for 4 months now.

It's just really disappointing. I know my doctor is taking the proper route. I just wish my body would cooperate and let me try again! I have told myself that I need to feel this process. I don't know if I have completely done that yet. I have cried a few times, but not to the extent you would expect. Some day, I am sure I will cleanse.

September Cycle

2009-09-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

My cycle started and it's now time to graduate to injectibles.

I am taking 300 IUs of Follistim each evening. The RE said this was aggressive, but she wasn't concerned about overstimming at my age (great!). I had one vial left from July, and my RE gave me three more. I can't believe how sweet she is. I mean, being given expensive medication is not normal. I will still need to buy a 900 IU vial which will cost $ 750, but she essentially has given me $ 1,250 worth of meds.

I've learned a lot about injections. I don't know why I thought I needed to wind up to give them to myself. Create a target and then let the dart fly. Totally not necessary! I always seemed to get bruises and multiple punctures marks. It hurt. Tonight I just slowly inserted into my abdomen. No pain, no extra marks, nothing. Super easy. This month should be a breeze with the medication.

Patience

2009-09-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

In this silly process you are always waiting for something and practicing patience. It reminds me of a poem that I learned when I was a competitive gymnast:

Patience is a man's greatest virtue, or so the saying goes.
A gymnast must have said it, for a gymnast surely knows!
That in this funny sport of ours, discouragement runs high.
And even the very best will find this virtue has passed us by.
When hands are ripped and throbbing, when every muscle's sore,
will a gymnast still have patience to limp in the gym for more?
When you've lost old moves and progress seems slow,
will you still have faith in better days,and not feel sad and low?
Can you admit your frightened, yet not give in to fear?
Can you conquer pain and frustration and often even tears?
When someone else does something, you've tried so long to do...
can you still be happy for her, or just self-pity for you?
And when success seems far away, your efforts all in vain,
can you force yourself to wear a smile and disregard the pain?
If despite the pain and tribulations, you can say "I won't give in"
Maybe someday you'll discover that its now your time to win.

With a few modifications, this poem could be about ttc. Even "as is" the line about being happy for someone who does something you have tried so long to do is perfect.

I am currently waiting for CD1. That will allow me to be back in the game again. The past few months have been baby steps forward to my goal of a ... BABY! Unfortunately I don't feel like I've done that much. Surgery ... walking ... eating healthier. Important, but I need to get to the point where I can do another IUI. Hopefully this month.

The Incisions

2009-09-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

Ooh ... this is the weirdest sensation. My belly is still bloated and the incisions are jiggling. It's been week since surgery.

The surgery entailed making an incision in my belly button, inflating my abdomen and making two additional incisions on the right and left side of my pelvis. The left incision is healing well. My right one not so well. And my belly button is just plain bizarre!

Today I started to use Mederma (scarring) and Neosporin (healing and infection prevention) on the incisions. When I walk my belly button jiggles and it irritates it. It doesn't appear that the stitch has dissolved yet.

Thank goodness for Vicadin. I don't know how I would have slept with these random pains and worries.

Surgery ...

2009-08-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

Monday was a very interesting day. I got to do a bowel prep for surgery. I won't give you the nitty gritty details save for the fact that the Phoso Soda was DISGUSTING!!! The first one I drank down. The second one I almost gagged on.

Tuesday, M picked me up at 7:15 AM to go to Stanford. I was really happy that she could take me, because I was nervous and glad she could stay with me until my surgery. Surprise, she had to leave at 8:45 AM. Excruciating. I was nervous and was looking for the distraction. Thankfully I brought my iPod.

Going into the pre-op was interesting. A room with 20 beds and curtains in between. Very little space between each bed; only enough for one person on one side. Each of us on a bed in our gowns that don't close ...

First the triage nurse comes over and asks a litany of questions: allergies, procedure, safety in home environment. WHAT? Do I feel safe in my home? Is anyone hitting me? Heck no. Why would they ask that kind of question?

Next the anesthesiologist comes out and speaks with me. He mentions a few things that will occur and gives me nasal spray to clear the mucous. He asked me a majority of the same questions the triage nurse asked. That's the third person. Do these guys know what they're doing? They seem to keep asking me and they should already know. I won't be awake to tell them how to DO the surgery. Oh and by the way, we're running an hour late. More jitters!

My RE came in and gave me a hug. That helped me calm down just a bit. She checked the antibiotics they were using and guess what!? I'm allergic to it. Good thing she checked. Antibiotics changed to Flagyl. She then went and changed into her scrubs. She looked so cute with her pregnant belly.

My next visitor was my RE's partner. He tries so hard to have a good bedside manner, but he is so socially awkward. He first can't find my bed. Duh! I am one of the few woman of childbearing age in the room. 80% of the pre-op patients were men. I waved at him and he came over. He said "Hopefully everything will go well." Yea, that "hopefully" instills a lot of confidence. MORE jitters.

So the anesthesiologist FINALLY returns and starts his magic. The first time he tries to put in the catheter for the IV he blows my vein. Take two. The second time works and then he starts with the sedation ... the last thing I remember before the surgery is wheeling into the OR and moving to the operating table.

After surgery, I remember hearing my RE tell me a little about the surgery. The post op nurse wakes me up and asks me to dress myself. It felt like I was still so exhausted, but they got me dressed and then an orderly took me to H's car. H drives me home and then I stay up for the next 7 hours. Totally amazing.

Wednesday, I got up and I was ready to go (sort of). I showered, got dressed and was thinking about going for a walk. My RE called and gave me an update about my surgery. She asked if I remembered anything. No, no I didn't. She said that it took about an hour to intubate me through the nose and I cried the whole time. Regarding the actual procedure, they shot dye through my tubes and confirmed the right tube was blocked. Thankfully it was completely removed. There were no lesions and I had only the very beginning stages of Endometriosis. They took care of that and everything else looked great.

Woo Hoo ... in the clear. Here comes ttc in September!

The Prep for the Surgery Prep

2009-08-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

If you are a close friend reading this, you already know I am pretty anal about planning things. If you don't personally know me, I am sure you are starting to notice this.

Everything is picked up and in it's place. Vicadin, Phoso Soda, food for my baby-sitter, etc.

Schedule for the next two days:
Work 1/2 Day Monday
Do Surgery Prep Monday afternoon and evening
M will drive me to the hospital and stay with me until my surgery
H will pick me up afterwards and "babysit" me until Wednesday

I am nervous. I haven't told my parents about this. I broke the news to my brother when I came out of the Oral Surgeon's office crying, but he doesn't know the surgery has been rescheduled. I just worry if something goes wrong ...

Surgery Rescheduled

2009-08-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well, the final answer is surgery will be at Stanford on Aug. 25. I am amazed that it can be scheduled so quickly, but I will take it.

Everything is moving in the right direction, Keeping good thoughts!

Are you kidding me?

2009-08-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

The visit to the Oral Surgeon was a whirlwind. I walked in there with the thought that I either had TMJ or muscular issues. I walked out of there crying!

The office moved at breakneck speed. Come on in. Time for x-rays. "Hi, I'm Dr. W." Within 3 minutes of arriving, she was already looking at my x-ray and my mouth and telling me something I apparently was not comprehending. My rheumatoid arthritis (RA) has manifested itself in my jaw and I more than likely will need a prosthetic joint replacement. NO WAY!

I have an appointment with a specialist at UCSF in October. Unlike this last surgery, I will slowly and meticulously walk through the process. I do not want to rush this one!

The interesting part of the visit with the oral surgeon was that she was pregnant with her second child via IVF. She told me "go have a baby and then take care of your jaw." I plan to do just that!

Options - Surgery Yea or Nay

2009-08-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

I spoke with the RE today about the surgery. I have an appointment with the oral surgeon (Maxillofacial specialist) on Thursday. My doctor and I saw the situation the same way ... there are three options.

1) Continue status quo - IUI
2) Wait for me to get my jaw "fixed"
3) Reschedule the surgery to a location that can accommodate my "difficult" airway

She and I agreed we would probably go with option 3, but will wait until I see the oral surgeon to finalize. Tomorrow will give us the definitive answer.

Open Your Mouth

2009-08-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

OK, so not what you would expect for a title to a TTC blog, but that is the crux of the issue for my surgery.

I went to the out patient surgery center today to have my pre-op appointment.
Weight - check
Blood Pressure - check
Temperature - check
Meet with the anesthesiologist - hmm ... well ... no check.

Technically I met with her, but she wouldn't let me check this one off the list. As she was conferring with the lead, my comfort level with the center had gone from very little to none. Keep positive thoughts.

Both anesthesiologists came to see me and the request was that I open my mouth. You would never know I can't open it very wide. However, for surgery using general anesthesia that is an issue. I was sent off to a Maxillofacial specialist. Since I couldn't find one on my medical foundation list, I ended up at an ENT. The ENT was brilliant ... intubate through the nose. Unfortunately the surgery center can not accommodate ... surgery cancelled.

After all of my struggling to get to this point, I am in no (wo)man's land.

The Prep for Surgery

2009-08-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

This week and next will be filled with different surgery appointments prepping for the surgery on Thursday.

Went to the doctor on Wednesday and had a couple blood and urine tests. Everything seems to be normal. While talking to the doctor she explained the surgery. The biggest issue is the first incision which is blind. After that everything should go smoothly. She said there is a 2% chance that they won't be able to do the surgery if the "skin is too thick" (read FAT!). Unfortunately, that may be an issue.

The next call was the surgery center. I spoke with the nurse today and she got all the pre-op information she needed. Oops! Because of my size, I have to go in and meet with the anesthesiologist. Great, I may be prevented from having surgery, because of my size and potential other issues. I also can not open my mouth very wide. That may be an issue.

On Tuesday, I will go in and meet with them. They will check my lung capacity, blood pressure (was 120/70 on Wednesday - Woo Hoo!), and all the other things that are necessary. Better safe than sorry. Just makes me that much more nervous about this.

I know I am overweight. I have been trying to be more healthy recently. It will be almost a month from the time I started this round of watching what I eat and exercising. It took me a long time to get to this size, so I can't expect that I will be smaller overnight. The change will happen. It has to happen.

Every step of the way, this project has been a struggle. I'm 40+. I have no husband. My ex-boyfriend added a lot of stress to the process when he was still living with me. I am overwieght. I have a blocked tube. The insurance company doesn't want to emphatically say that I am covered. My size may prevent some necessary corrective surgery. Regardless, if this surgery occurs and I am successful at getting pregnant because of it, it is ALL worth it.

I win! Sort of ...

2009-07-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

I got the call yesterday that the surgery is covered by my insurance and it is now scheduled for two weeks from now. I'm excited and terrified.

The excitement comes from fixing one more thing that is preventing my success. Terrified of what they still may find. This process is definitely much more difficult that I ever imagined.

Unfortunately I couldn't get the surgey scheduled within this cycle; it will be early next cycle. That means I will be taking a third month in a row off from this project. That's really frustrating and I am really starting to feel the clock ticking. I had hoped to have a baby before I turned 43. We now know that's not going to happen.

I will either have my right tube removed or blocked. I am really leaning towards removal, but when all is said and done, it's up to the doctor. I meet with her next week for my pre-op appointment. At that point I can better discuss the options. The following week will be surgery and two weeks later will be follow up.

The past month has been an emotional rollercoaster. I was really down for a couple weeks and felt like I had no one to turn to. I love my friends dearly, but I also don't want every discussion to revolve around this journey. It's made it difficult at times. I really have no one to talk to. I am looking into getting therapy again. It's great to have someone who is not emotionally attached to talk to. They can give you a really objective opinion.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that September is MY month. I will have been off sugar and fried foods for over 2 months (obviously still very important to me, since I am mentioning it!).